Yankee Cussing
"She could outcuss a Yankee in a New-York minute."I have to admit, I never heard that growing up. I made it up myself for one of my characters in a novel I'm writing. But it seems to fit, you know. Yankees have the worst potty-mouths of any creatures with the possible exception of the Irish. (Those of you familiar to British Isles chat rooms know what I'm talking about.)
I'm the first to admit I have a bit of a temper. It's slow to start and hard to build, but once it ignites it's Katie bar the door. This little switch clicks in my brain and I lose all rational thought. This is followed by a desire to wrap my hands around the throat of the person responsible and squeeze until their eyeballs pop out and dangle like abandoned yo-yo's. (Usually, this is a man of one kind or another but that's another post.) I feel a mad rush of heat, my eyes fog over with a red haze and mothers grab their children and run for the house.
And yet, in typical Southern girl fashion, when I get mad I don't fly off the handle and start yelling and cussing and calling people names. That would be too common. Too...Yankee-ish. No, I do what my mother and my grandmother and my Sunday School teacher taught me to do. I smile this tight little, "Oh, if I wasn't a good Christian woman and a born and bred lady, what wouldn't I say to you!" smile and turn on the good manners. Yes, folks, we Southern women are taught to treat those who make us want to chew tree trunks and split kindling with a special kind of sugary sweetness. The kind that makes ill-bred curs and ne'er do wells and Yankees whose mama's didn't raise them right cringe inside at their bad behavior and swim in a sticky pool of shame until they sink to the bottom.
This approach has been never-fail for me since I was old enough to cross my arms over my chest and bat my eyelashes in a 'your mama would be sooooo ashamed of you' manner---that is, until now. With my recent relocation above the Mason-Dixon line I've found that good manners and Southern charm only go so far. After that, you have to learn to cuss.
I guess I've always known that Yankees use really bad swear words, the go-to-hell-go-directly-to-hell-do-not-pass-Go-do-not-collect-$200 type swear words, the same way other people use words like 'a, and, and the'. I used to work in retail and I always knew when a Yankee came into the store. They used such endearing phrases as, "Where the f*** is the bathroom?" or "Any of you G** D*** hillbillies know where I can find some beer and brats?" (To which I always wanted to reply, "No you stupid Yankee asshole, but I know where you can get sweet tea and barbecue." But my mama's raising prevented me from being quite that direct.)
I knew from watching movies that people from places like New York and Chicago had very creative ways to take God's name in vain, and could use the 'f' word as vitually any part of speech (sometimes as every part of speech) in a sentence. But I figured those people were gangsters, whose mama did not raise them right or they would be law-abiding citizens, and their lack of proper social vocabulary was understandable, if not excusable. Oh, how wrong I was!
The rural part of northern IL is about as gangster ridden as Mayberry, N.C., and yet my first week here, I routinely heard such comments as "I wish my G** d*** neighbors would finish building their f***-ing garage. The G** da*** noise is driving me f***-ing nuts."
This was mentioned in casual conversation. No one was angry or exchanging heated points of view. There were no fighting words hanging in the air. It was as acceptable to this gentleman to use this kind of language in mixed company as it would be to discuss the weather. Of course, my husband, before we were married, often peppered his words with all manner of swearing so I wasn't completely ignorant of what Yankee cussing entailed. But that was usually in a private conversation when he was irritated about something. (Yankees are almost always irrritated about something, but that's another post.)
This kind of thing just doesn't happen down South. Oh, don't get me wrong. Southerners swear. We litter our speech with hells and damns , the occasional 's' word or the extremely effective 'hell/damn' combinations. As a general rule, we leave God out of the swearing formula, but the truly daring are known to say "God Almighty" in a less than reverent way, and the "headed to hell on greased rails" crowd will use "G** d***" without hesitation. It's the combination of words, what's used and what isn't, and how its all put together that seperates Nothern swearing from Southern swearing. Allow me to give you an example in regards to an important topic, football:
Yankee swearing: "Get the G-- D--- ball you stupid son of b----! You're on the ten f---ing yard line and you want to f---ing fumble the G-- D--- ball, for Christ's sake!
Southern swearing: Well, hell! That stupid good-for-nothing reciever dropped the damn ball. Why don't you just walk over there and hand them the football next time you damn dirty ape!
Or something like that. Do you see the difference? I think it may be religiously oriented. Those of us who actually believe in God and Jesus Christ dont' sepak of them loosely.
But then again, everyone knows Yankees are a bunch of Godless heathens. At least, that's what they told me during the home missions fund raising campaign!
posted by Zoe Richardson @ 9:13 AM
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