The Fish Police
Okay, this technically isn't a Yankeeland diatribe because this kind of thing goes on everywhere, and it may even go on more in the South sense there's an awful lot of fishing, hunting, etc. taking place there. But anyway...my oldest daughter (you know, the one who's in that awkward stage between complete idiot and tortured genius) had her first run-in with the 'Law' last weekend.She and some friends decided to go camping last weekend (why, I don't know. It's not like she was raised in a family of nature nuts and Lord knows I don't do anything outdoors that isnt' immediately accessible to indoor plumbing, but that's another post.) Anyway, they decided to go fishing and so she went to Wal-Mart to get her fishing license.
Now, first, I'm glad to know that Alabama isn't the only state that sells fishing licenses at Wal-Mart. Next thing you know, Illinois will be selling bait in the convenience stores right next to the beer and pork rinds! But anyway, after my daughter bought her fishing license she did what any woman would do...she put it in her purse. She took her purse with her to the campsite, but neglected to take it onto the boat when she and her friends went fishing. Let me just add that it seems strange to me that any of these people she hangs around with know how to fish, although they do resemble nightcrawlers in more than a few ways. They seem more like the type that would blow up fish with dynamite just to see what happens. But, apparently, they decided to do things the old fashioned way and actually used a boat and appropriate fishing utensils.
Well, it just so happened that as they were sitting in the boat with their poles (I never did find out if anyone knew what to do with the poles or if they actually used them to catch anything) the game warden came along to check and make sure everyone had their fishing license. My daughter didn't. She left it in her purse at the campsite, and even though someone went back to the campsite and brought her purse to her and she showed the game warden the license, he gave her a written warning for fishing without a license.
Now, if I was the game warden I would have taken one look at this boat full of misfits, including one obviously pregnant young woman, and figured they didn't know one end of a fish from another and weren't going to catch anything but a bad cold from sitting around in the night air. I would have left them alone and then watched from a difference as one got tangled up in the fishing line and another fell over board while saying, "Hey, guys, watch this!" Then I would have laughed long and hard and outboarded back to the game warden hang-out and told all my buddies about the bunch of complete idiots/tortured geniuses I just saw trying to commune with nature. But no. Instead, the Fish Police saw an opportunity to catch someone breaking a Fish Rule and they started inspecting everyone for their Fish License.
My immediate question was...why do you need a license to go fishing? Do they make you take some kind of test, like baiting hooks with different types of worms/minnows/balls of bacon fat to ensure you know proper baiting techniques? Do you have to read a manual and pass "Hooks, Lines, and Sinkers 101?" before you can actually get in a boat and drop a line in the water? I sincerely doubt it. As far as I know, in every state in the Union you can walk into any place that sells fishing equipment and buy a fishing license that allows you to fish pretty much anywhere that isn't private property. My next question was...why? Is fishing such a highly practiced sport that if it wasn't licensed our waters would be devoid of any kind of water wildlife? Not likely. Most people I know who fish don't catch much and what they do catch they can't eat because there are signs everywhere saying, "Don't eat the fish...they're contaminated by chemicals dumped before the environmentalists made us stop dropping our toxic waste in local waterways." So why do you need a license to catch fish? And why do the Fish Police have the authority to write you a ticket if you don't have one on you when you're in a boat? What if you aren't fishing? What if you're just sitting next to someone who's fishing and you're just enjoying a cold bottle of domestic beer? Are you still liable for the fishing that is taking place? Are you guilty by association, even if the people with fishing poles all have licenses and you don't? Do you have to be caught red-handed with a pole in your hand and no license in order to get a ticket from the Fish Police?
And what are the Fish Police doing, anyway? Are they just out, tooling around in boats, and writing tickets? Do we, as Americans, really care about how many fish people catch? If you don't have to pass some kind of test in order to prove comepetency as a fisherman, then why do you need a license? What are the Fish Police checking for when they check for licenses if God, his dog, and everybody can buy one at the local Wal-Mart. It's not like a driver's license, where you actually have to know the rules of the road in order to get one (unless you live in Tennessee but that's another post). The only thing you have to know in order to fish is that the bait goes in the water. Other than that, its fairly self-explanatory.
I, like everyone else, understand full well that the purpose of the Fish Police is not to make sure people are fishing properly, or to make sure people aren't catching too many fish, or even to make sure that people aren't driving around sauced to the gills with a high-powered outboard motor under their control. No, the purpose of the Fish Police is to generate revenue for the gubmint. Let's face it, if all you have to do to get a fishing license is pay a fee...the purpose of said license is to bring in money for the government agency who controls the licensing. And the purpose of having Fish Police patrolling the waters checking for licenses is to generate more revenues by fining people who don't have licenses or who left them in their purse when they got on the boat. It's not about the fish, people. It's about the money.
Or, in the case of Nothern Illinois, it's about making sure people aren't breaking any fish rules. There can never be too many rules, or too many people making sure those rules aren't being broken at any time, and this applies to fish, too. Ergo, the Fish Police.
That being said, I would like to formally propose that governments everywhere start the Parent Police. In order to become a parent, you have to pass certain written and practical exams proving you will be a competent parent and won't let your child throw screaming fits in Wal-Mart while you're paying for your fish license. Then, after you pass the test and are allowed to keep your child, the Parent Police are free to write you a ticket anytime they catch your child engaging in behavior that you, as a parent, are responsible for nipping in the bud. For instance, parents who let their children run wild in doctor's office and think that controlling them means telling them, "Little Johnny, if you don't stop dismembering your sister I'm not taking you to Wal-Mart and getting you a fishing license." These people would then receive a ticket (no written or verbal warnings allowed) and they would have to pay a fine for being a stupid parent. Imagine the revenue that would generate!
Then maybe, just maybe, after the government collects all the stupid parent revenue they can go back to letting those of us who want to sit in a boat in peace and quiet alone to drown worms in peace!
posted by Zoe Richardson @ 9:50 PM
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